Sunday, 05 August 2012
I never used to be a bathroom jacker. I got started in a pool and have been masturbating in my room and the living room for most of my masturbatory life. I would never jack off in the shower because I would get really tired because it took so long. I would also not jack off on the toilet because I was never sure how to do it. However over the past year that has changed. Being in college you have a roommate. The only consistent time that you have alone is when you shower. So, I got brave and tried it one day. Ever since then it became hooked. My roommate was almost always in the room and so the shower was where it had to happen. Plus thinking about all the guys that had jacked off in that shower (or even in that dorm) got me going. Second semester my roommate was consistently gone so my masturbatory endeavors happened frequently in my room, but my roommate was unpredictable so I was never too comfortable savoring the orgasm. knowing your roommate could walk in on you naked and all cummy is a pretty good motivator to whip up and zip up. But I would also perfect my shower jacking, sort of. i was always in a hurry and afraid of getting caught so i would always try to go as fast as possible. A community shower is great for many reasons but it always brought with it the unknown of when someone else would enter.
I began to miss my own room a lot. I loved being naked and I loved falling asleep in the wave of ecstasy, my hands limp over my thighs just under my belly, my middle fingers go to the crease that separates the crotch from the thighs, elbows and triceps region resting on the bed, feet slightly apart. To this day it is the most comfortable position to lay in for me. to do that you need your own space. My mom had to sell my own space after the divorce and we were forced to live with grandma. I had no room of my own there. I could either sleep in the bedroom with my sister, or sleep in the living room on the pullout. No privacy. No time to be naked, to be free, to be alone. that is except for the bathroom.
I began spending very large amounts of time in the bathroom. I would strip naked as soon as the door was shut, I would open a book and sit my tooth on the pot for a nice poop and a few pages of my book. When i felt like I had read enough I would put the book away, whip out the iPhone, run the bath water and proceed to looking at some porn. the water masked the volume of the porn and the sounds of me pleasuring myself. after I was done i would sit and relax a little bit, wait for the bath too cool a little bit. I might even read a few more pages of my book. After the bath water was at a good temperature I would ease myself into the steamy relaxing water and recline, getting into my favorite position a previously mentioned. I would relax in the tub for how ever long I felt like it and then i would exit, dry off and put cloths on.
Depending on how much I lusted that day, or how much free time I had i would make frequent trips to the bathroom to masturbate. It was great, its been great, and I am going to miss it terribly. As I was in my bath this evening I realized just how much i am going to miss it. Next semester, and most of the semesters to come, will be very difficult for me to have any naked time. My roommate is in the room constantly. He does all of his studying in the room. He leave to go to work, eat, go to class, and work out. But i am seeing this up coming semester as a blessing, a blessing that could potentially cost a lot.
My constant masturbating and lust is not healthy at all. Often times my penis is sore, my stomach and balls hurt, and I waist valuable time. It would probably be different if i set aside a few hours one day a week to do some self loving, but I don't. Jacking off pretty much trumps everything. I could be writing a paper and be in a groove, but if my mind starts fantasizing I quickly make plans to go blow a load, ruining my role and distracting me even more.
All of this masturbating also rips at my relationship with God. After I masturbate I don't want anything to do with God. I see it as self worship. if i get in my daily dose of me, then I don't need a God. I don't need someone to talk too, to spend time with, to learn from, to listen too. I am my God. and my favorite form of worship is fantasizing and jacking off. When you don't spend time with God, your relationships dwindles. it dries up. You forget that there is an ever present God who loves you and is there because all you see is yourself. You feel alone, in a desert, and the only form of freedom; of satisfaction, sanctuary, and peace; of water come from groping your dick. But that water is salty, from a cactus that poisons you and leaves you even more alone, even thirstier than before.
So, what about that blessing? My roommate constantly in the room will significantly cut down the time that I have for an easy jack off season. Sometimes all I am looking for is a quick bust, and if that is not readily available its easier for me to choose to forgo the jack off session. Also. I plan to take out naps this semester. Naps are a great time to masturbate. Masturbation makes it easy to fall deep into a relaxed sleep for an hour or so. But, more often than not porn would enter the picture and I would spend two hours on the masturbation part and about two hours on the nap part. Thats my entire afternoon waisted just so I could have some salty cactus water. This hurt my grades more than I wanted to admit. That could have been four hours i could have been doing work, opening up four hours in the evening to build relationships with people, or with God, serving on campus or in the community. I could use the extra time to go to bed at a decent hour so I could get up, work out and spend some quality time with God, alone, before campus is bustling about with everyday business. I could also even use some time in the evening to practice writing or reading material that isn't just for class.
So, inorder to do that I am going to do what the Dean of Students at my school suggested. I am going to treat college like a job, getting up at a certain time (9 am I think) and working until another designated time (5pm). I might also do some group studying after that but the intense stuff will take place during those times. I would work in the success center where i would have someone there to insure that I stayed focused and accomplished tasks. By that time my roommate would be done with work and classes so he would be studying our room. So the only time I could safely jack off would be in the shower. But, I won't be able to look at porn because I wouldn't want to get my electronics wet. Also, to get porn further out of the picture I plan to get rid of my iPhone and use another with out internet or by a go phone. The computer won't be a problem because my school has blocks and I am too stupid to get around them.
If I cut out the porn I hopefully can reduce the lust, or be more successful at not sitting on my rump and goo goo eyeing the guys at school. If I stop feeding the beast maybe the beast will become less beastly? Who knows, I might even fill my head with the Word of God. Hopefully masturbation would then become less than the focus of my entire life. My desire to masturbate could even dwindle? Who knows. I haven't been porn free in years.
Here is the greatest peace to my plan. The worst part about jacking off for me is the distance I purposefully put between me and God. So, as i was in the shower I was stuck with an epiphany. Instead of running from God after I masturbate, why not run to him, pray to him, talk to him. I could talk about so many things.
1. Why I just jacked off?
2. What was going on in my world that made me desire to rub one out.
3. What I hoped to gain from masturbating.
4. How I feel at this moment. (Do I not want to talk to God? why? Do i feel dirty and full of shame? why? Do i feel better? why?)
I could change the direction of the conversation from there to things that are difficult for me to understand, hopes, fears, words of adoration...ect
I think this last thing will be the key to everything. If God is real, and who he says he is, then he would want me to run to him and not away from him. only then will i ever have hope of finding sustaining, living water.
Tuesday, 31 July 2012
I didn't think I could have a title that long. but i can!
So I have been watching the olympics and loving every minute of it, sort of. Because I am such a pervert and obsessed with masturbation I don't see the athletes as athletes and its really hard for me to appreciate what they actually do. I focus of their hands. I have an utter fascination with hands, especially strong man hands as they grip something. I don't know why I have this fascination, but its almost like normal guys with boobs or butts. If I fixate on someones hands i will start imagining them using them to masturbate. It makes it all the easier when I see them gripping something. Man its hot. They are hot. Masturbation is Hot.
The US men tried for the Gold last night and I couldn't keep my eyes off of them as they gripped the Pommels on the pommel horse. Seeing them grip them so tight and be so skilled with there hands made my mouth water. Then after each routine they would Hug their teammates or grab each others hands in a hug like hand shake. The same hands they just used to grip the Pommel horse. The very same hands they masturbate with. It made me wonder, do they talk about masturbation? was it an open topic when they traveled together? Did they masturbate together? They had too, why else would they be so tight and touchy. I can easily see it happening, a team bonding exercise! "Everybody drop your pants, get comfortable and start masturbating. We need to learn to trust each other, have each others backs. You haven't trained together before so this is the best way to connect; be in the most vulnerable position, doing what every guy loves doing, together as a team!" Every time I see a team of men I always imagine that there was some sort of mutual masturbate/sex involved in making the team so close. It would make perfect sense. I have read countless erotic stories of situations just like that.
I watch the Olympics, I lust aster all these men from all these different countries, completely absorbed in their hands. Then i realize that all of them masturbate. I would bet a million dollars that you wouldn't find a single athlete that hasn't jacked off before. They are athletes for crying out loud. They work out, forcing more testosterone through there bodies. I bet they are always horny, but because they are training so much they can't be distracted by women so they masturbate. They get done with an intense work out, shower, have an amazing jack off season then fall asleep. I see Michael phelps and I can't help but imagine himself as a 13-15 year old jacking off all the time like there is no tomorrow. The chinese do it, the british do it, the Jamaicans do it, the Japanese, Lithuanian, estonian, polish, the tribal people of Papua New Guinea. EVERY ONE MASTURBATES. even the old guys that are coaches now. they probably did it in secret and never talked about it, George washington, Barack Obama, Paul in the bible, Hitler, stalin, Alexander the great, David, Goliath. they all jacked off. it blows my freaking mind. Every person you have given a hand shake too has jacked off.
Handshakes- I am going to use my hand that i most likely masturbate with and firmly grip the hand that you most likely masturbate with. By this action I recognize that you are a man and you grip, massage and tug on there very organ that is a symbol of your manhood with this hand that I am shaking. You are a man and you have a penis. I am a man and I have a penis. We are equal. (Or maybe I am the only one that thinks this way)
Every woman has boobs, a vagina, and has a menstrual cycle. Every man has a penis, testicles , and masturbates. (Of course by every I mean most, and those who don't probably lost them to surgery for various reasons.)
Another thing that has come to my attention. Everyone has sex, they have always had sex. Sometimes I think that sex is a new idea, a new invention, and I don't realize that it has been around since the beginning. Even the most "primitive" people do it.
This is how my mind works, this is what I see when I look at people. I used to really want to just cut off my penis because I thought that would solve a lot of issues. But in righting this out i realize that it would do nothing to help me, but it might just frustrate me more. Without a penis I wouldn't be able to masturbate, but my mind would continue to lust and i would get frustrated because i wouldn't be able to do anything with my huge immense desire. I need a renewing of my mind and my heart. But I am at a loss of how to do that.
Wednesday, 25 July 2012
What makes someone gay? Is there an actual definition or is it just self identification. is there a test? A full proof sign that every gay man produces?
Saturday, 09 June 2012
So I had this orgasm filled weekend planed because I was going to be home alone at my aunts house while they were away. I was so excited. I could be naked the entire weekend, no one would be home. I would eat, sleep, look at pom and masturbate. That was my weekend and I was so excited about it.
God had different plans.
My first night I got into a conversation with someone... *Cough*kevin*Cough* and my batteries in my lap top died before any serious good porn could be watched. This conversation wasn't very good. it was a pretty rough conversation. so the next day I wasn't to eager to devour more porn. Then today happened. I was going to spend the afternoon naked, jacking off and looking at porn. But the internet connection was so slow none of my videos would be brought up, not even on my phone. But I brushed it off and made plans to buy some sexy under where and lube after work this evening and come home and have a nice jack off season, porn or no porn, what ever was working. but the lines were super long when i got off work and i didn't really want to go to my co workers with hot undies and lube.... that might be a little awkward.
But I said i could do with out the undies and i would just go to the Walgreens down the street to get the lube. So I am driving and the Walgreens is closed. I was so frustrated. as I was driving the rest of the way home I began to ponder the events of the last few days and i think God is trying to tell my something.
Friday, 01 June 2012
This post has spoilers to the movie Simon Birch. But even if you know the spoilers you should still watch it because it is one of the best male friendships ever.
The warning is kind of pointless because I already spoiled a big portion of the movie in the title.
Simon is a little dwarf boy that everyone makes fun of. Joe is his only and best friend. Simon is Joe's best friend. So its not like Joe lets simon tag along. They are best friends. They hang out every day. Joe helps simon when he can't do something but other wise Joe treats him like a regular person. They don't ignore the fact that he has dwarfism but its not the biggest thing in their relationship. It is just another aspect of Simon. This is beautiful. The whole movie I place me as Simon and My best friend (I think I named him as Heiko) as Joe. Instead of dwarfism I like men. Heiko doesn't treat me any differently. He doesn't feel uncomfortable around me. He treats me like I am one of the guys. Just like Simon and Joe me liking men is not a taboo topic. Many times it has my heart heavy and me and Heiko Go for a walk and talk about it, or even better are the times we joke about it.
In the movie Simon hits his first baseball and it flies into the temple of Joe's mom, who is one of the only two people in the world that loves simon, and kills her instantly. Try to imagine that you are Simon. There are two people that love you, Joe, and his mother. You just hit a baseball that killed your best friends mom. You killed your best friends mom. In a matter of two seconds you could have lost the only two people who loved you. Let that soak in. Feel Simons pain.
Now, put yourself in Joe's shoes. Your best friend just killed your mom. Your own mother. It was an accident though. But still, your mother is dead because of a baseball that was hit by your best friend. Imagine the pain he felt. How would you be able to deal with that? Would you still be friends with Simon? Simon thought that he had Lost joe for good. and who could blame him. But Joe forgives Simon and they are still best friends. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT! Joe still loves Simon. That blows me away that their friendship is that strong to be able to withstand something as awful as that.
Things get real after they get past the grieving process. The first Hug in the movie between them comes after that. I waited the entire move for them to Hug. I love hugs. Watching that I wanted a hug from Heiko. I wanted to cry with Heiko. I wanted him to be there to experience what I was experiencing. I wanted to take that opportunity to tell him once more how much he means to me.
I sit here as I type imagining how Joe thinks about his relationship with simon. "My best friend is the little dwarf that everyone hates, he also killed my mom, he is my best friend and I love him" It makes me think of me and Heiko,"My best friend is attracted to men, he is my best friend and I love him" Sure, I didn't kill my friends mom, but if you could chose a best friend would you really want it to be someone who likes men? But he chose to be my best friend despite my flaws. I hope Heiko thinks of me like that. Even if he doesn't articulate it like that it still means a lot. I know he loves me and I know i am his best friend. Me liking men doesn't affect that. Its awesome. I am so thankful God has put him in my life.