I am sick of masturbating. I hate it. I am sick of my dick being sore all the time. I jack off 2 or three times a day, sometimes as much as 5 times a day. Its because I am an addict. I don't get much pleasure from it. I can't explain why i do it so much other than i am an addict and its what i do. The reason I don't stop is because i don't want to submit/i don't know how to submit, and because i don't want to/ don't know how i jack off more... kind of like a screw you. It sucks. I am constantly in a cloud of despair. I have moments of happiness, but when ever I am alone i am constantly sad and depressed, absorbed with my sorry state and my inability to escape.
I want freedom. a tangible freedom. Freedom where I never masturbate again. How can it be freedom if i still masturbate, if I still lust? That doesn't sound like freedom. So maybe my understanding is off, but how can i change my understanding. I want something tangible. I don't even care if it takes a lot a work. I want to be able to do something and be fixed, be free. People tell me to give it up to god, how do you do that? I can't take something out of me and tie it to a balloon and hand it to God. The only tangible thing i can think of to stop masturbating is to cut off my penis, and I would be ok with that.
How do you change your heart?
How do you surrender?
How do you submit?
Is it repentance if you go back to it?
I have a friend I was talking to last night. he has completely given up his relationship with God so he can continue to sin. I don't want to be that. it bike my heart t see where he is and it scared me. How close am I to that point. I don't ever want to be there. I don't ever want to lose hope for my relationship with God.